After reading Linda Dobson's First Year of Homeschooling I decided to read a completely different type of homeschooling book. John Holt's How Children Learn is written in an entirely different style and took some time to adjust to. Dobson's book is laid out in an organized chapter, section, sub-section, sub-sub-section style and Holt's book is the complete opposite. Holt has minimal chapter separations with a sort of rambling-from-one-subject-to-the-other style with very little concluding or summing up of information. At first it was hard for me to understand why his book has sold so many copies and has been translated into over a dozen languages.....Why would thousands of people enjoy a book written with such an apparent lack of organization?
The answer is that Holt is trying to illustrate his views on learning not only by what is written in his book but also by how his book is written.
Holt feels that children learn in what appears to be an illogical, multi-lateral fashion. To us it may seem that children's actions and inquiries are redundant or unnecessary but they are simply exploring their surroundings in their own way in order to make sense of what they experience. By writing his book in a more flowing, apparently slightly scattered way Holt enhances his explanations of how children learn.
Holt also focuses on the topic of learning vs. teaching. Holt suggests that our society is far to obsessed with teaching. He explains that children will learn by exploring and that many things that are "taught," children would learn on their own if we left them to their own devices. He uses the analogy of walking, we do not teach a child how to walk, he simply works through the steps over a number of months, and eventually puts all the pieces together and takes his first steps. Holt explains that all learning is like this when un-interrupted by interrfering parents and teachers. For example, young children do not need to have their speech corrected, as they mature they will explore with different pronunciations and begin to recognize that they are not pronouncing words as those around them and they will decide to pay attention and self-correct. When we intervene and nag a child with speech and grammar corrections we are sending the message that the child is incompetent in speech and that they cannot learn the proper patterns on their own. This stifles the child's confidence and actually perpetuates the speech difficulties by producing power struggles between the adult and child.
Similarly, Holt explains that parents interfere with other types of learning. When a child manages to singlehandedly get both of his shoes on for the first time and the parent only points out that the shoes are on the wrong feet the child, previously proud of his accomplishment, feels only shame and despair. No wonder he refuses to put his shoes on for the next outing. By pointing out his mistake instead of enjoying his success the parent manages to remove the child's pride and replace it with feelings of inability and incompetence. When parents continually refuse to recognize a child's successes and focus only on their imperfections the child looses their self-confidence, their drive to discover and learn, and this results in a child who acts and feels helpless. We need to empower our children by giving them the space to explore and learn and sharing their excitement and pride when they feel they've had success. Holt explains that the teaching that goes on at traditional schools works only to discourage and debilitate children in their quest to learn. Children are forced to learn topics with which they are uninterested and using methods that are not tailored to their individual needs. Given the current state of our traditional school he strongly suggests learning at home.
Although initially I felt "How Children Learn" was disorganized and slightly incomprehensible, my opinion changed half-way through. I realized that Holt's rambling actually reinforced his illustrations of how children learn and I really began to appreciate his admiration for his subjects. He illustrates his amazement at how children explore the world and get interested in the most minute details. His many anecdotes about the different children that he worked with helped me to understand what children need to feel accepted and free to engage themselves in their world. Although I doubt Holt wrote this book as a parenting book, he offers such sensitive, warm treatment of children that any parent can come away with positive values with which to treat their children, in addition to a greater understanding of how to create the most child-friendly learning environment.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Solving Your Child's Eating Problems
As I mentioned in a previous post, about the snack cupboard, we have been struggling to get Cai to want to eat in a healthy way. Although the snack cupboard technique was a start, we now have a full blown procedure for having Cai eat healthy. It's all thanks to this book, sent to me by my mom.
Our amazing procedure is actually supremely simple:
Allow Cai to eat what he wants, when he wants so that he learns to listen to his body. When he listens to his body he can identify when he is hungry and what exactly will satisfy that hunger, after he has eaten that thing he will then be able to identify when he is full and stop eating.
It all sounds very foreign to us because in our culture we expect people to eat at certain times of the day and to eat certain types of foods. For example: It is acceptable to eat oatmeal for breakfast but not for dinner, one should eat a balanced lunch and dinner (vegetable, protein, carbohydrate) and try not to snack in between....Just because this is what we do doesn't mean that it's actually what is best for us!
Solving Your Child's Eating Problems By Jane R. Hirschmann and Lela Zaphiropoulos states that the reason we have so many eating disorders in our Western society is due to the fact that we put so much emphasis on food and so little emphasis on hunger. If you only eat when you are hungry and only what you are hungry for then you will feel satiated and not feel the need to eat other random things. In addition, if you view the bad foods (sweets, fattening foods, salty foods...) as equal to the healthy foods (vegetables, fruits...) and have them available equally, the appeal of the bad foods fades. For example, when you eat a whole box of Oreo cookies you certainly do not feel the need to start in on the next box, you probably crave something with a different taste to combat the sweetness, milk maybe. Because we have learned to totally ignore our body's food desires we only hear these cries in such extreme situations as with an Oreo binge, when in reality our bodies are always calling out for certain things, in order to provide our organs with the necessary elements they need to function. By applying this demand feeding concept to Cai's eating we help him to identify what his body craves instead of forcing him to eat what we think he needs.
Basically, we fill Cai's snack cupboard with whatever he wants, candies and vegetables alike, he can then choose what he eats at anytime of the day. I still prepare meals and he sits with us at the table but he doesn't have to eat what I prepare. Maybe that's not what his body needs right then?!
When we started the demand feeding, suggested in Hirschmann and Zaphiropoulos' book, Cai reached for the candy every time. He ate nothing but licorice and jube jubes for about 24 hours! It was pretty difficult to keep our mouths shut and let him do it (I sure brushed his teeth well!) but it has payed off. We are all a lot happier not to have to hassle him about his eating and he is getting better at identifying exactly what it is he needs to fill his tummy.
Meal times have been a lot more pleasant since starting demand feeding. Today at dinner we had turkey burgers and sweet potato oven fries, Cai was excited for the meal to start and waited anxiously for the food to be put on the table. He ate a 1/4 of his hamburger and 1/2 a carrot and 2 large pieces of lettuce dipped in salad dressing. We did not have to bug him about coming to sit down or eating. Our dinner conversation did not only consist of us telling him, for the 20th time that he has to eat his meal before he gets his ice cream. In fact, he didn't even ask for ice cream! We all could actually talk about something else other than Cai's eating - imagine!? It was all very pleasurable.
The goal is for the child to be able to recognize that the empty feeling is indeed hunger, not boredom, anxiety, sadness, or some other empty feeling, so that he learns to eat only in response to hunger. This helps to prevent eating disorders which arise from kids filling their tummies in response to other feelings of emptyness (i.e. sadness).
Wouldn't it be great if we all only ate when we were hungry and only ate as much as needed to feel full?! Reading this book has really helped me to think about my own eating habits. When I reach for that 10th Ritz cracker I stop and consider if there is something else I'm craving, or if actually I'm full and it's time to do some other activity.
Although it may feel scary to let go of the control over your child's eating the payoff is 200%. You get pleasant meals and happy kids. Kids who can acknowledge when they are hungry, what they are hungry for and when they are full. This will reduce the chance of the development of eating disorders and maybe even help you learn to listen to your own tummy.
Our amazing procedure is actually supremely simple:
Allow Cai to eat what he wants, when he wants so that he learns to listen to his body. When he listens to his body he can identify when he is hungry and what exactly will satisfy that hunger, after he has eaten that thing he will then be able to identify when he is full and stop eating.
It all sounds very foreign to us because in our culture we expect people to eat at certain times of the day and to eat certain types of foods. For example: It is acceptable to eat oatmeal for breakfast but not for dinner, one should eat a balanced lunch and dinner (vegetable, protein, carbohydrate) and try not to snack in between....Just because this is what we do doesn't mean that it's actually what is best for us!
Solving Your Child's Eating Problems By Jane R. Hirschmann and Lela Zaphiropoulos states that the reason we have so many eating disorders in our Western society is due to the fact that we put so much emphasis on food and so little emphasis on hunger. If you only eat when you are hungry and only what you are hungry for then you will feel satiated and not feel the need to eat other random things. In addition, if you view the bad foods (sweets, fattening foods, salty foods...) as equal to the healthy foods (vegetables, fruits...) and have them available equally, the appeal of the bad foods fades. For example, when you eat a whole box of Oreo cookies you certainly do not feel the need to start in on the next box, you probably crave something with a different taste to combat the sweetness, milk maybe. Because we have learned to totally ignore our body's food desires we only hear these cries in such extreme situations as with an Oreo binge, when in reality our bodies are always calling out for certain things, in order to provide our organs with the necessary elements they need to function. By applying this demand feeding concept to Cai's eating we help him to identify what his body craves instead of forcing him to eat what we think he needs.
Basically, we fill Cai's snack cupboard with whatever he wants, candies and vegetables alike, he can then choose what he eats at anytime of the day. I still prepare meals and he sits with us at the table but he doesn't have to eat what I prepare. Maybe that's not what his body needs right then?!
When we started the demand feeding, suggested in Hirschmann and Zaphiropoulos' book, Cai reached for the candy every time. He ate nothing but licorice and jube jubes for about 24 hours! It was pretty difficult to keep our mouths shut and let him do it (I sure brushed his teeth well!) but it has payed off. We are all a lot happier not to have to hassle him about his eating and he is getting better at identifying exactly what it is he needs to fill his tummy.
Meal times have been a lot more pleasant since starting demand feeding. Today at dinner we had turkey burgers and sweet potato oven fries, Cai was excited for the meal to start and waited anxiously for the food to be put on the table. He ate a 1/4 of his hamburger and 1/2 a carrot and 2 large pieces of lettuce dipped in salad dressing. We did not have to bug him about coming to sit down or eating. Our dinner conversation did not only consist of us telling him, for the 20th time that he has to eat his meal before he gets his ice cream. In fact, he didn't even ask for ice cream! We all could actually talk about something else other than Cai's eating - imagine!? It was all very pleasurable.
The goal is for the child to be able to recognize that the empty feeling is indeed hunger, not boredom, anxiety, sadness, or some other empty feeling, so that he learns to eat only in response to hunger. This helps to prevent eating disorders which arise from kids filling their tummies in response to other feelings of emptyness (i.e. sadness).
Wouldn't it be great if we all only ate when we were hungry and only ate as much as needed to feel full?! Reading this book has really helped me to think about my own eating habits. When I reach for that 10th Ritz cracker I stop and consider if there is something else I'm craving, or if actually I'm full and it's time to do some other activity.
Although it may feel scary to let go of the control over your child's eating the payoff is 200%. You get pleasant meals and happy kids. Kids who can acknowledge when they are hungry, what they are hungry for and when they are full. This will reduce the chance of the development of eating disorders and maybe even help you learn to listen to your own tummy.
Friday, February 8, 2008
The idea of family routines
I feel like I've finally discovered some routines to help maintain a sense of order on a daily basis and I thought I'd share them, in case they work for you too. I wouldn't expect our exact routines to work for you, your house probably isn't laid out like ours, your daily schedules are not the same and neither are your kids, however, it is a jumping off point. We do follow these routines pretty much every day of the week (even the weekends, although slightly more loosely).
Kids thrive on routines because it makes them feel confident to know what's expected of them. Although it may feel hard to set up a routine, because everyone has their own ideas of what they want to be doing when, ultimately routines benefit everyone because each family member knows what his job is and that every other family member depends on him to complete his job for family life to run smoothly. Even the youngest of family members have jobs that make them feel part of something bigger than themselves, these feelings make them feel connected with a sense of belonging. These connected feelings are extremely strong motivators, stronger than any type of discipline or punishment, they result in positive behavior - kids will to want to help out the family.
Giving a child a "job" makes the child see the task as important in itself and not just something he has to do because mom says so. For example: It is my job to prepare the meal and it is Cai's job to take his plate and cup to the counter at the end of his meal. In order for the meal to run smoothly we both need to complete our jobs. If I don't prepare the meal we will be hungry and if Cai doesn't take his plate and cup to the counter for me to wash, they won't be clean for the next meal. He needs to take his plate to the counter because that's his job, not because I said so.
Another example of a routine we use is during my morning shower. The shower is always a time of great difficulty for moms: How to accomplish getting all wet and soapy for at least 10 minutes without having to run out of the shower to rescue some fallen toddler or crying baby? The answer lies in establishing the routine. Take your shower at the same time everyday and put your kids in the same place each time, near enough that you can see them but restrict their ability to leave or get into anything dangerous. After only a few days your kids will comfortably play while you shower, because they understand, even if they are non-verbal, that it is mom's job to take a shower and their job to play quietly.
Ideas to accomplish this:
-babygate the bathroom door so your kids stay inside
-put a lock on the toilet or cupboards if that is a temptation
-put your younger baby in the EMPTY bath tub to play if your shower is separate
-provide a safe snack (cheerios?) to eat (this always keeps babies and toddlers busy alike)
-provide exciting toys that are only for shower time (a broken remote control, cell phone....)
After a few days of using these techniques you will be able to provide less exciting distractions as your children learn their job of entertaining themselves for the 10-15 minutes it takes for you to take your shower. In the end it will be relaxing, you will have confidence that your children are happily playing, and they will understand that they must look after themselves for those 10 minutes while staying safe, where mom can see them. If they call out to you simply state that you are in the shower and that you will help them when you are done.
You can use the shower technique at other times of the day. While I clean up after breakfast and lunch the kids know that it is their time to play on their own. I try to have a (mostly) clean kitchen at the end of each meal so that the mess doesn't get overwhelming by the end of the day. While I am cleaning, if I am asked to retrieve something from upstairs or fix a broken toy, I simply state that I am cleaning up and that I will be available when I am finished. Cai and Jonah know it is their job to play and my job to clean and when I am done they will be done too. Sometimes moms feel like they should do everything for their children but this is not productive. I need a clean kitchen in order to move on with the day and my children must wait for this to happen. I am not at the beck and call of my children, there is a give and take relationship that must occur so that the daily events can proceed in an effective way.
I'm sure you can think of times during your day when you wish you could get something done for the family. You deserve to be able to do it! You may not believe that your unruly young brood could possibly get along for the 10 minutes it takes, but if you expect it of them, and consistently, calmly let them know that you will be there for them when you are finished, they will surprise you. Using these types of routines and techniques help to get through all the little necessary daily events. When each one is a struggle the day can seem to stretch on forever, when everyone is pulling their weight and doing their job, the chores are completed with ease and the family can move on to playing together and having fun.
Kids thrive on routines because it makes them feel confident to know what's expected of them. Although it may feel hard to set up a routine, because everyone has their own ideas of what they want to be doing when, ultimately routines benefit everyone because each family member knows what his job is and that every other family member depends on him to complete his job for family life to run smoothly. Even the youngest of family members have jobs that make them feel part of something bigger than themselves, these feelings make them feel connected with a sense of belonging. These connected feelings are extremely strong motivators, stronger than any type of discipline or punishment, they result in positive behavior - kids will to want to help out the family.
Giving a child a "job" makes the child see the task as important in itself and not just something he has to do because mom says so. For example: It is my job to prepare the meal and it is Cai's job to take his plate and cup to the counter at the end of his meal. In order for the meal to run smoothly we both need to complete our jobs. If I don't prepare the meal we will be hungry and if Cai doesn't take his plate and cup to the counter for me to wash, they won't be clean for the next meal. He needs to take his plate to the counter because that's his job, not because I said so.
Another example of a routine we use is during my morning shower. The shower is always a time of great difficulty for moms: How to accomplish getting all wet and soapy for at least 10 minutes without having to run out of the shower to rescue some fallen toddler or crying baby? The answer lies in establishing the routine. Take your shower at the same time everyday and put your kids in the same place each time, near enough that you can see them but restrict their ability to leave or get into anything dangerous. After only a few days your kids will comfortably play while you shower, because they understand, even if they are non-verbal, that it is mom's job to take a shower and their job to play quietly.
Ideas to accomplish this:
-babygate the bathroom door so your kids stay inside
-put a lock on the toilet or cupboards if that is a temptation
-put your younger baby in the EMPTY bath tub to play if your shower is separate
-provide a safe snack (cheerios?) to eat (this always keeps babies and toddlers busy alike)
-provide exciting toys that are only for shower time (a broken remote control, cell phone....)
After a few days of using these techniques you will be able to provide less exciting distractions as your children learn their job of entertaining themselves for the 10-15 minutes it takes for you to take your shower. In the end it will be relaxing, you will have confidence that your children are happily playing, and they will understand that they must look after themselves for those 10 minutes while staying safe, where mom can see them. If they call out to you simply state that you are in the shower and that you will help them when you are done.
You can use the shower technique at other times of the day. While I clean up after breakfast and lunch the kids know that it is their time to play on their own. I try to have a (mostly) clean kitchen at the end of each meal so that the mess doesn't get overwhelming by the end of the day. While I am cleaning, if I am asked to retrieve something from upstairs or fix a broken toy, I simply state that I am cleaning up and that I will be available when I am finished. Cai and Jonah know it is their job to play and my job to clean and when I am done they will be done too. Sometimes moms feel like they should do everything for their children but this is not productive. I need a clean kitchen in order to move on with the day and my children must wait for this to happen. I am not at the beck and call of my children, there is a give and take relationship that must occur so that the daily events can proceed in an effective way.
I'm sure you can think of times during your day when you wish you could get something done for the family. You deserve to be able to do it! You may not believe that your unruly young brood could possibly get along for the 10 minutes it takes, but if you expect it of them, and consistently, calmly let them know that you will be there for them when you are finished, they will surprise you. Using these types of routines and techniques help to get through all the little necessary daily events. When each one is a struggle the day can seem to stretch on forever, when everyone is pulling their weight and doing their job, the chores are completed with ease and the family can move on to playing together and having fun.
Friday, February 1, 2008
The cupboard technique: How to make your kid eat!
Yes you read right!
For about a year now Cai has been a picky eater (as all toddlers are). We have tried many different methods to deal with this pickyness: Reduce the amount of soy milk he drinks, reduce the number of snacks, prevent him from eating dessert until his meal has been eaten, disallow any food until the following meal if his meal is not eaten, asking him to eat a certain number of bites, putting a tiny amount on his plate, putting a lot on his plate....Of course none of these attempts resulted in Cai eating anymore and really just showed him how much attention he would get for not eating. Getting attention for not eating means he continues to not eat in order to get more attention. What a vicious circle!
The thing about eating is that you can't force a kid to eat something, just like you can't force him to go to sleep. He is the one who controls what enters his mouth. The parent can provide healthy meals and snacks but the kid decides what and when to eat. That being said, it doesn't really make sense to try and force feed foods that WE choose on OUR schedule.
While talking on the phone with my Mother, she made a few suggestions of another technique to try with Cai and his eating. Basically, this technique involves providing healthy snacks in a cupboard that the child can access at any time and allowing him to eat when and what he wants from that stash. At first glance it sounds a little permissive, but the idea is to give the child the ability to control what enters his stomach and to learn to identify when he is hungry. If he only eats when he is hungry, and stops when he is full, he will always listen his body and not overeat (something we all want for our kids!).
The other result of the cupboard technique is that eating is a non-issue. The child sits at the table during meal times, since this is family time (this is important in our family anyway), and only eats what he likes. He is not hassled about what he should be eating just as a parent would never think to hassle a child about what he should be playing with. If he is hungry sometime after the meal he may go to his cupboard and eat to his heart's (and stomach's) content. He may not, however, ask Mom to be a short order cook and have her make something in particular. Mom and Dad's job is to provide balanced meals and snacks at particular times, outside of those times he is on his own.
So we gave the cupboard technique a try today. First of all we were all a lot happier. Right after Cai's nap, always a cranky time, I showed him his cupboard and its contents. Cai was so excited he brought all four containers onto the couch and munched a little from each one. He shared with Jonah and had such a blast. He wasn't starving before dinner and therefore wasn't as unhappy. He was delighted to be able to have such a selection: Raisins and pumpkin seeds, two types of crackers, dried apricots, and two types of cereal. What a feast! He ate quite a bit before dinner and I figured he definitely wouldn't eat anything during the meal....SURPRISE....he ate three helpings of green beans! Although he didn't eat any sloppy joe he actually ate the vegetables. I can't really complain about that!
We've only used the cupboard technique for one day, time will tell how it works overall, however, I'm certainly convinced of its effectiveness thus far. It was refreshing not to have to worry or bug Cai about his eating, I felt like a weight had been lifted. He seemed so thrilled to have control over his eating, I'm almost looking forward to seeing how excited he is tomorrow. I'm glad that Cai's eating is now one less power struggle to deal with.
For about a year now Cai has been a picky eater (as all toddlers are). We have tried many different methods to deal with this pickyness: Reduce the amount of soy milk he drinks, reduce the number of snacks, prevent him from eating dessert until his meal has been eaten, disallow any food until the following meal if his meal is not eaten, asking him to eat a certain number of bites, putting a tiny amount on his plate, putting a lot on his plate....Of course none of these attempts resulted in Cai eating anymore and really just showed him how much attention he would get for not eating. Getting attention for not eating means he continues to not eat in order to get more attention. What a vicious circle!
The thing about eating is that you can't force a kid to eat something, just like you can't force him to go to sleep. He is the one who controls what enters his mouth. The parent can provide healthy meals and snacks but the kid decides what and when to eat. That being said, it doesn't really make sense to try and force feed foods that WE choose on OUR schedule.
While talking on the phone with my Mother, she made a few suggestions of another technique to try with Cai and his eating. Basically, this technique involves providing healthy snacks in a cupboard that the child can access at any time and allowing him to eat when and what he wants from that stash. At first glance it sounds a little permissive, but the idea is to give the child the ability to control what enters his stomach and to learn to identify when he is hungry. If he only eats when he is hungry, and stops when he is full, he will always listen his body and not overeat (something we all want for our kids!).
The other result of the cupboard technique is that eating is a non-issue. The child sits at the table during meal times, since this is family time (this is important in our family anyway), and only eats what he likes. He is not hassled about what he should be eating just as a parent would never think to hassle a child about what he should be playing with. If he is hungry sometime after the meal he may go to his cupboard and eat to his heart's (and stomach's) content. He may not, however, ask Mom to be a short order cook and have her make something in particular. Mom and Dad's job is to provide balanced meals and snacks at particular times, outside of those times he is on his own.
So we gave the cupboard technique a try today. First of all we were all a lot happier. Right after Cai's nap, always a cranky time, I showed him his cupboard and its contents. Cai was so excited he brought all four containers onto the couch and munched a little from each one. He shared with Jonah and had such a blast. He wasn't starving before dinner and therefore wasn't as unhappy. He was delighted to be able to have such a selection: Raisins and pumpkin seeds, two types of crackers, dried apricots, and two types of cereal. What a feast! He ate quite a bit before dinner and I figured he definitely wouldn't eat anything during the meal....SURPRISE....he ate three helpings of green beans! Although he didn't eat any sloppy joe he actually ate the vegetables. I can't really complain about that!
We've only used the cupboard technique for one day, time will tell how it works overall, however, I'm certainly convinced of its effectiveness thus far. It was refreshing not to have to worry or bug Cai about his eating, I felt like a weight had been lifted. He seemed so thrilled to have control over his eating, I'm almost looking forward to seeing how excited he is tomorrow. I'm glad that Cai's eating is now one less power struggle to deal with.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Breaking the Good Mom Myth
Breaking the Good Mom Myth by Alyson Schafer
It just arrived and I am almost done! This book is great. It is very much an updated version of Children the Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs with the addition of humor and a modern family focus. The book has the theme of debunking common myths about being a "good" mom. Overall, the idea is that families should be democracies and not monarchies. Parents are leaders and the children have rights and are treated with respect.
Schafer addresses so many issues that are often unmentioned in your average parenting book. She devotes a whole chapter to explaining how mom, by sacrificing ALL of her time for her kids, is actually making parenting harder. She continues to say that Mom should discover what it is that makes her happy (away from the kids) and make sure to do it at least once a week. For some moms it might be spending a morning at the coffee shop reading the paper from start to finish or for others it might be getting a pedicure. Dad is required to manage with the kids while Mom gets some time away, this empowers Dad and gives special Dad time. By having special personal time Mom is better able to manage the difficult job of raising her brood.
Another interesting chapter, not common in the parenting books I've read, was the chapter about marriage. It makes total sense to discuss how difficulties in a marriage can lead to problems with the kids. After all, kids are so perceptive, they know if something is not right between Mom and Dad. Schafer discusses the importance of demonstrating how to respect and communicate with each other. She even talks a bit about the S-word (SEX!).
I really felt that I benefited from reading the chapters on pampering and controlling your kids. I think I do a little of both. It was empowering to read that it is okay to expect your child to always do what they are capable of doing. For example, if your child can eat with a fork by themselves then they should always eat with a fork by themselves. You should not pamper by feeding them. This results in them dependent on you and feeling that they themselves are not good enough. Similarly, the chapter on controlling your kids outlined how important it is to give kids choices and to restrain yourself from controlling things that really don't matter. Let them choose which plate to eat of off or which pair of shoes to wear. They will feel proud and excited to have control over their lives and will therefore be more cooperative.
The chapter on sibling rivalry was pretty influential for me. Basically Schafer states that it is a parent's job to STAY OUT OF IT! Your kids are fighting to get your attention and they don't actually want to hurt each other. If they don't get your attention from fighting they will quickly stop because its much easier to cooperate and get along. I found it very interesting when Schafer pointed out that when a younger sibling steals the older sibling's toy she actually has a number of choices in the matter, it's not just that she is younger and therefore deserves to have the toy (the common opinion.) She could actually choose not to grab the toy from her older brother knowing full well that this will upset him. What a thought! She could choose to do something else, such as play with another toy! By ignoring fights, a parent shifts the control to the kids and lets them decide how to get along.
The main focus in Schafer's book is cooperation. Children are not controlled but expected to cooperate in a way the benefits everyone. This makes the kids feel connected and part of something important. They feel that their opinion matters and therefore they are more likely to do their part. As a result the family works together instead of against each other and everyone is happier.
You should read this book! It will change how you parent.
It just arrived and I am almost done! This book is great. It is very much an updated version of Children the Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs with the addition of humor and a modern family focus. The book has the theme of debunking common myths about being a "good" mom. Overall, the idea is that families should be democracies and not monarchies. Parents are leaders and the children have rights and are treated with respect.
Schafer addresses so many issues that are often unmentioned in your average parenting book. She devotes a whole chapter to explaining how mom, by sacrificing ALL of her time for her kids, is actually making parenting harder. She continues to say that Mom should discover what it is that makes her happy (away from the kids) and make sure to do it at least once a week. For some moms it might be spending a morning at the coffee shop reading the paper from start to finish or for others it might be getting a pedicure. Dad is required to manage with the kids while Mom gets some time away, this empowers Dad and gives special Dad time. By having special personal time Mom is better able to manage the difficult job of raising her brood.
Another interesting chapter, not common in the parenting books I've read, was the chapter about marriage. It makes total sense to discuss how difficulties in a marriage can lead to problems with the kids. After all, kids are so perceptive, they know if something is not right between Mom and Dad. Schafer discusses the importance of demonstrating how to respect and communicate with each other. She even talks a bit about the S-word (SEX!).
I really felt that I benefited from reading the chapters on pampering and controlling your kids. I think I do a little of both. It was empowering to read that it is okay to expect your child to always do what they are capable of doing. For example, if your child can eat with a fork by themselves then they should always eat with a fork by themselves. You should not pamper by feeding them. This results in them dependent on you and feeling that they themselves are not good enough. Similarly, the chapter on controlling your kids outlined how important it is to give kids choices and to restrain yourself from controlling things that really don't matter. Let them choose which plate to eat of off or which pair of shoes to wear. They will feel proud and excited to have control over their lives and will therefore be more cooperative.
The chapter on sibling rivalry was pretty influential for me. Basically Schafer states that it is a parent's job to STAY OUT OF IT! Your kids are fighting to get your attention and they don't actually want to hurt each other. If they don't get your attention from fighting they will quickly stop because its much easier to cooperate and get along. I found it very interesting when Schafer pointed out that when a younger sibling steals the older sibling's toy she actually has a number of choices in the matter, it's not just that she is younger and therefore deserves to have the toy (the common opinion.) She could actually choose not to grab the toy from her older brother knowing full well that this will upset him. What a thought! She could choose to do something else, such as play with another toy! By ignoring fights, a parent shifts the control to the kids and lets them decide how to get along.
The main focus in Schafer's book is cooperation. Children are not controlled but expected to cooperate in a way the benefits everyone. This makes the kids feel connected and part of something important. They feel that their opinion matters and therefore they are more likely to do their part. As a result the family works together instead of against each other and everyone is happier.
You should read this book! It will change how you parent.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
The gate
For about 6 months Cai, 2 1/2 years, would not stay in his room, or bed for that matter, for nap or night. It was an incredible strain on all of us because we had no idea how to handle the situation. Finally I took Dr. Ferber's book out from the library and found a solution: the baby gate. He suggests putting a baby gate on your child's door so that their room becomes their crib. Ingenious!
Cai can play with his toys or go to sleep (as he wishes) and he can't come out of his room to cause mischief. This gets rid of the power struggle wherein we try to force him to stay in his room and he comes running out as soon as we turn our backs. Of course Cai was not too pleased when we put up the gate but after a while he found it comforting. He felt secure, there was no longer the temptation to run out of the room, and he no longer felt anxious about bedtime or naptime. Recently, he asked for the gate to be removed. I obliged and after one "false start" where he ran out and I put the gate up, he has respectfully stayed in his room for bedtime and naptime. It is particularly refreshing during naptime when he will play in his room for an hour and never venture out. What self control! Six months of using the gate and now he is able to cooperate without a problem.
I thought "the gate" was such a great idea I applied it to a different situation. During the coldest months our heating doesn't quite cut it and our house can get quite cold. For whatever reason, Cai hates to wear his socks, this is fine for Spring and Fall but not acceptable for the winter months. The questions was: How do you force a toddler to keep his socks on when he can take them off himself?
The answer: The gate!
I simply used safety pins to pin Cai's socks onto his pants. The safety pins were the gate that kept Cai's socks on. With the safety pins securely fastened, he wasn't tempted to remove his socks and the power struggle between us disappeared. A day later when he began to remove his socks I asked him plainly and without malice, "Do you want to wear your socks or should I put the safety pins back on?" He said that he wanted the pins! So I went right ahead and put them on. I think he just wanted to remove the temptation of taking the socks off. After that, the socks stayed on and it was never mentioned again. Wow, what a relief.
"The gate" is a physical restraint that a parent can use to calmly show their child what type of behavior is required in a situation. It is a choice, the child can behave as required or choose that "the gate" be used to help them. After all, sometimes children need a little help to master their temptations and gain self control.
Cai can play with his toys or go to sleep (as he wishes) and he can't come out of his room to cause mischief. This gets rid of the power struggle wherein we try to force him to stay in his room and he comes running out as soon as we turn our backs. Of course Cai was not too pleased when we put up the gate but after a while he found it comforting. He felt secure, there was no longer the temptation to run out of the room, and he no longer felt anxious about bedtime or naptime. Recently, he asked for the gate to be removed. I obliged and after one "false start" where he ran out and I put the gate up, he has respectfully stayed in his room for bedtime and naptime. It is particularly refreshing during naptime when he will play in his room for an hour and never venture out. What self control! Six months of using the gate and now he is able to cooperate without a problem.
I thought "the gate" was such a great idea I applied it to a different situation. During the coldest months our heating doesn't quite cut it and our house can get quite cold. For whatever reason, Cai hates to wear his socks, this is fine for Spring and Fall but not acceptable for the winter months. The questions was: How do you force a toddler to keep his socks on when he can take them off himself?
The answer: The gate!
I simply used safety pins to pin Cai's socks onto his pants. The safety pins were the gate that kept Cai's socks on. With the safety pins securely fastened, he wasn't tempted to remove his socks and the power struggle between us disappeared. A day later when he began to remove his socks I asked him plainly and without malice, "Do you want to wear your socks or should I put the safety pins back on?" He said that he wanted the pins! So I went right ahead and put them on. I think he just wanted to remove the temptation of taking the socks off. After that, the socks stayed on and it was never mentioned again. Wow, what a relief.
"The gate" is a physical restraint that a parent can use to calmly show their child what type of behavior is required in a situation. It is a choice, the child can behave as required or choose that "the gate" be used to help them. After all, sometimes children need a little help to master their temptations and gain self control.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Parenting Books
I really want my kids to grow up to be the best people they can be. I have spent a lot of time reading parenting books because I want to be able to provide my children with a positive environment. I want to be able to treat them with respect so that they will respect others. The books I have read have provided me with the confidence to make decisions and the ability to influence my children so that they become the kind of people the can make a difference in the world.
Parenting is a continually changing, continually developing job that comes with no instruction manual. I am always on the look out for new ideas on how to positively discipline my children so that they can learn the importance of their behavior in any situation, whether I am watching them or not.
The following is a list of books that I have read and that I strongly suggest to every parent. No one book can supply the skills necessary to raise children, I recommend learning as much as possible and then combining all that is acquired in order to form a solid understanding on how best to influence your children.
How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen & Listen So Your Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
This is an incredibly practical book that gives the parent the words and actions to handle almost any situation. The authors have provided particular phrases that give the parents the confidence to deal with difficult situations by addressing their children's feelings in a respectful way. By validating a child's feelings this empowers him to learn how to be independent as well as how to make good decisions about his behavior. The authors focus on the idea that children need to change their behavior because of the needs of the situation not because Mom or Dad "said so." This teaches children to think critically about the overall consequences of their behavior as opposed to just whether they will get "in trouble" or not. This book will revolutionize how you talk to your kids.
Sibling Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Another book by Faber and Mazlish, this is a must read for parents with single and multiple children. The skills taught in this book can apply to sibling AND friend rivalry, don't skip this book because you only have one child; you will be missing out on extremely practical information on how to teach children how to play together successfully. The authors provide phrases and actions to help combating children learn how to play together productively, share, and problem solve with little parental intervention.
Liberated Parents Liberated Children by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
This is the first book by these authors and it is written almost like a novel. Faber and Mazlish have used "fictional" characters, modeled after themselves, to describe the parenting skills they want to teach. The book follows a mother and her family as she attends a parenting class, and attemps to improve on her parenting skills. The reader is able to see the struggles that the mother goes through as she tries to put the skills from the parenting group into practice. This book provides the reader with both practical parenting skills and the continual comfort that parenting is an uphill battle, fraught with setbacks as well as successes.
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
Although less practical, this book is extremely helpful in establishing an overall mind frame for parenting. Kohn discusses how physical abuse, verbal abuse, and timeouts of any kind demonstrate that a parent's love is conditional on good behavior. He continues by explaining the catastrophic results of using this type of discipline. Kohn describes how to provide unconditional love combined with discipline with the goal of raising children who feel loved, respected and have the confidence to face the world.
Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen
Playful parenting is the act of playing through particular troubles instead of using discipline. Although not suitable for every problem this book provides an alternative way to reach out to children in a way they can understand: play. Cohen outlines how by playing with their children, parents can show their love, explain a difficult situation or reach out and reconnect.
Between Parent and Child by Dr. Haim Ginot
Another practical book that provides parents with a way to discipline their children by showing them respect. Dr. Ginot debunks common discipline problems and explains why what a parent might be doing is ineffective and detrimental. He provides practical advice on how to understand as well as guide children's behavior. Dr. Ginot addresses how to successfully develop a child's sense of responsibility and independence through teaching by example and showing respect for the child's feelings in his daily life. (Note: I have a very old edition and the last quarter of the book is terribly out of date. I don't agree with Dr. Ginot's potty training advice or how he deals with the gender roles of parents and children. I will borrow a friend's newer edition to see if this has been updated!)
Children the Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs
Although some of the ideas in this book are outdated the overall concepts are incredibly helpful. Dreikurs outlines the use of respect, responsibility and love to parent children. He provides parenting skills for infants up to teenagers, giving age appropriate examples to help parents almost every situation.
Breaking the Good Mom Myth by Alyson Schafer
I'm expecting this one in the mail any day.... It arrived. Read about it here.
Parenting is a continually changing, continually developing job that comes with no instruction manual. I am always on the look out for new ideas on how to positively discipline my children so that they can learn the importance of their behavior in any situation, whether I am watching them or not.
The following is a list of books that I have read and that I strongly suggest to every parent. No one book can supply the skills necessary to raise children, I recommend learning as much as possible and then combining all that is acquired in order to form a solid understanding on how best to influence your children.
How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen & Listen So Your Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
This is an incredibly practical book that gives the parent the words and actions to handle almost any situation. The authors have provided particular phrases that give the parents the confidence to deal with difficult situations by addressing their children's feelings in a respectful way. By validating a child's feelings this empowers him to learn how to be independent as well as how to make good decisions about his behavior. The authors focus on the idea that children need to change their behavior because of the needs of the situation not because Mom or Dad "said so." This teaches children to think critically about the overall consequences of their behavior as opposed to just whether they will get "in trouble" or not. This book will revolutionize how you talk to your kids.
Sibling Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Another book by Faber and Mazlish, this is a must read for parents with single and multiple children. The skills taught in this book can apply to sibling AND friend rivalry, don't skip this book because you only have one child; you will be missing out on extremely practical information on how to teach children how to play together successfully. The authors provide phrases and actions to help combating children learn how to play together productively, share, and problem solve with little parental intervention.
Liberated Parents Liberated Children by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
This is the first book by these authors and it is written almost like a novel. Faber and Mazlish have used "fictional" characters, modeled after themselves, to describe the parenting skills they want to teach. The book follows a mother and her family as she attends a parenting class, and attemps to improve on her parenting skills. The reader is able to see the struggles that the mother goes through as she tries to put the skills from the parenting group into practice. This book provides the reader with both practical parenting skills and the continual comfort that parenting is an uphill battle, fraught with setbacks as well as successes.
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
Although less practical, this book is extremely helpful in establishing an overall mind frame for parenting. Kohn discusses how physical abuse, verbal abuse, and timeouts of any kind demonstrate that a parent's love is conditional on good behavior. He continues by explaining the catastrophic results of using this type of discipline. Kohn describes how to provide unconditional love combined with discipline with the goal of raising children who feel loved, respected and have the confidence to face the world.
Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen
Playful parenting is the act of playing through particular troubles instead of using discipline. Although not suitable for every problem this book provides an alternative way to reach out to children in a way they can understand: play. Cohen outlines how by playing with their children, parents can show their love, explain a difficult situation or reach out and reconnect.
Between Parent and Child by Dr. Haim Ginot
Another practical book that provides parents with a way to discipline their children by showing them respect. Dr. Ginot debunks common discipline problems and explains why what a parent might be doing is ineffective and detrimental. He provides practical advice on how to understand as well as guide children's behavior. Dr. Ginot addresses how to successfully develop a child's sense of responsibility and independence through teaching by example and showing respect for the child's feelings in his daily life. (Note: I have a very old edition and the last quarter of the book is terribly out of date. I don't agree with Dr. Ginot's potty training advice or how he deals with the gender roles of parents and children. I will borrow a friend's newer edition to see if this has been updated!)
Children the Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs
Although some of the ideas in this book are outdated the overall concepts are incredibly helpful. Dreikurs outlines the use of respect, responsibility and love to parent children. He provides parenting skills for infants up to teenagers, giving age appropriate examples to help parents almost every situation.
Breaking the Good Mom Myth by Alyson Schafer
I'm expecting this one in the mail any day.... It arrived. Read about it here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
