Breaking the Good Mom Myth

Breaking the Good Mom Myth by Alyson Schafer

It just arrived and I am almost done! This book is great. It is very much an updated version of Children the Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs with the addition of humor and a modern family focus. The book has the theme of debunking common myths about being a "good" mom. Overall, the idea is that families should be democracies and not monarchies. Parents are leaders and the children have rights and are treated with respect.

Schafer addresses so many issues that are often unmentioned in your average parenting book. She devotes a whole chapter to explaining how mom, by sacrificing ALL of her time for her kids, is actually making parenting harder. She continues to say that Mom should discover what it is that makes her happy (away from the kids) and make sure to do it at least once a week. For some moms it might be spending a morning at the coffee shop reading the paper from start to finish or for others it might be getting a pedicure. Dad is required to manage with the kids while Mom gets some time away, this empowers Dad and gives special Dad time. By having special personal time Mom is better able to manage the difficult job of raising her brood.

Another interesting chapter, not common in the parenting books I've read, was the chapter about marriage. It makes total sense to discuss how difficulties in a marriage can lead to problems with the kids. After all, kids are so perceptive, they know if something is not right between Mom and Dad. Schafer discusses the importance of demonstrating how to respect and communicate with each other. She even talks a bit about the S-word (SEX!).

I really felt that I benefited from reading the chapters on pampering and controlling your kids. I think I do a little of both. It was empowering to read that it is okay to expect your child to always do what they are capable of doing. For example, if your child can eat with a fork by themselves then they should always eat with a fork by themselves. You should not pamper by feeding them. This results in them dependent on you and feeling that they themselves are not good enough. Similarly, the chapter on controlling your kids outlined how important it is to give kids choices and to restrain yourself from controlling things that really don't matter. Let them choose which plate to eat of off or which pair of shoes to wear. They will feel proud and excited to have control over their lives and will therefore be more cooperative.

The chapter on sibling rivalry was pretty influential for me. Basically Schafer states that it is a parent's job to STAY OUT OF IT! Your kids are fighting to get your attention and they don't actually want to hurt each other. If they don't get your attention from fighting they will quickly stop because its much easier to cooperate and get along. I found it very interesting when Schafer pointed out that when a younger sibling steals the older sibling's toy she actually has a number of choices in the matter, it's not just that she is younger and therefore deserves to have the toy (the common opinion.) She could actually choose not to grab the toy from her older brother knowing full well that this will upset him. What a thought! She could choose to do something else, such as play with another toy! By ignoring fights, a parent shifts the control to the kids and lets them decide how to get along.

The main focus in Schafer's book is cooperation. Children are not controlled but expected to cooperate in a way the benefits everyone. This makes the kids feel connected and part of something important. They feel that their opinion matters and therefore they are more likely to do their part. As a result the family works together instead of against each other and everyone is happier.

You should read this book! It will change how you parent.