The idea of family routines

I feel like I've finally discovered some routines to help maintain a sense of order on a daily basis and I thought I'd share them, in case they work for you too. I wouldn't expect our exact routines to work for you, your house probably isn't laid out like ours, your daily schedules are not the same and neither are your kids, however, it is a jumping off point. We do follow these routines pretty much every day of the week (even the weekends, although slightly more loosely).

Kids thrive on routines because it makes them feel confident to know what's expected of them. Although it may feel hard to set up a routine, because everyone has their own ideas of what they want to be doing when, ultimately routines benefit everyone because each family member knows what his job is and that every other family member depends on him to complete his job for family life to run smoothly. Even the youngest of family members have jobs that make them feel part of something bigger than themselves, these feelings make them feel connected with a sense of belonging. These connected feelings are extremely strong motivators, stronger than any type of discipline or punishment, they result in positive behavior - kids will to want to help out the family.

Giving a child a "job" makes the child see the task as important in itself and not just something he has to do because mom says so. For example: It is my job to prepare the meal and it is Cai's job to take his plate and cup to the counter at the end of his meal. In order for the meal to run smoothly we both need to complete our jobs. If I don't prepare the meal we will be hungry and if Cai doesn't take his plate and cup to the counter for me to wash, they won't be clean for the next meal. He needs to take his plate to the counter because that's his job, not because I said so.

Another example of a routine we use is during my morning shower. The shower is always a time of great difficulty for moms: How to accomplish getting all wet and soapy for at least 10 minutes without having to run out of the shower to rescue some fallen toddler or crying baby? The answer lies in establishing the routine. Take your shower at the same time everyday and put your kids in the same place each time, near enough that you can see them but restrict their ability to leave or get into anything dangerous. After only a few days your kids will comfortably play while you shower, because they understand, even if they are non-verbal, that it is mom's job to take a shower and their job to play quietly.

Ideas to accomplish this:
-babygate the bathroom door so your kids stay inside
-put a lock on the toilet or cupboards if that is a temptation
-put your younger baby in the EMPTY bath tub to play if your shower is separate
-provide a safe snack (cheerios?) to eat (this always keeps babies and toddlers busy alike)
-provide exciting toys that are only for shower time (a broken remote control, cell phone....)

After a few days of using these techniques you will be able to provide less exciting distractions as your children learn their job of entertaining themselves for the 10-15 minutes it takes for you to take your shower. In the end it will be relaxing, you will have confidence that your children are happily playing, and they will understand that they must look after themselves for those 10 minutes while staying safe, where mom can see them. If they call out to you simply state that you are in the shower and that you will help them when you are done.

You can use the shower technique at other times of the day. While I clean up after breakfast and lunch the kids know that it is their time to play on their own. I try to have a (mostly) clean kitchen at the end of each meal so that the mess doesn't get overwhelming by the end of the day. While I am cleaning, if I am asked to retrieve something from upstairs or fix a broken toy, I simply state that I am cleaning up and that I will be available when I am finished. Cai and Jonah know it is their job to play and my job to clean and when I am done they will be done too. Sometimes moms feel like they should do everything for their children but this is not productive. I need a clean kitchen in order to move on with the day and my children must wait for this to happen. I am not at the beck and call of my children, there is a give and take relationship that must occur so that the daily events can proceed in an effective way.

I'm sure you can think of times during your day when you wish you could get something done for the family. You deserve to be able to do it! You may not believe that your unruly young brood could possibly get along for the 10 minutes it takes, but if you expect it of them, and consistently, calmly let them know that you will be there for them when you are finished, they will surprise you. Using these types of routines and techniques help to get through all the little necessary daily events. When each one is a struggle the day can seem to stretch on forever, when everyone is pulling their weight and doing their job, the chores are completed with ease and the family can move on to playing together and having fun.